The Power of Words

About one month into the trial, I decided to take the plunge and address the issue of emotional eating. Up until then, all my blogs had been fairly light hearted, and provided lots of positives to others on the study. They were really just putting on a brave front. It was time to address the real issues. I had been "dipping my toe" in the water, and it hadn't been snapped off by a shark, so I guess now was the time to plunge right in.

So, this was the result. I posted and waited. Will everyone think I'm just a big sook? Will everyone tell me to "get a grip"? Will this be the blog that gets "0 comments"? Only time would tell. As it turned out, it struck a chord with so many people, so many others were feeling the same way, just didn't have the words to voice it. In some respects it opened the floodgates and allowed others to admit where they were failing themselves, acknowledge it, deal with it and move on. Even reading this again now, a little over six months later, I can see how I was using humour as a barrier and a deflection. Mental attitude is such a big part of weight loss, and until you are at peace with yourself, it will be a constant struggle.

"The Power of Words

I’ve been thinking about this blog for a while, whether to write it, and what exactly to say.

It’s about what makes us the way we are, or perhaps, more specifically, why I am the way I am.

There are so many reasons why people are overweight. To some, the overweight are simply gluttons, an easy assumption to make when you look back to the days of the Romans, or even Henry VIII, where the rich feasted and became fat, and the poor, who had little to eat, remained thin. I have had to sit and listen and some people around me have made assumptions about overweight people, and how they got that way, and “all they need to do is watch what they eat and exercise”. There is an assumption that overweight people are “lazy and stupid”, but I think everyone on this site knows THAT is not true!

Sometimes, it is not that simple.

I’ve sat there and listened while a group of people I was lunching with made fun of someone else they knew, who is overweight, and enjoys riding his motorbike and stopping for a snack on the ride (he does it occasionally). It was the source of much amusement for some time – but I didn’t think it was funny at all. All I could think was “what do they say about me when I’m not around”. They interesting thing about that discussion was, at times, some of them weren’t exactly slim either! They probably don’t even remember the discussion taking place – but I do. Never, ever believe that old adage “sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me.” Words can be just as if not more destructive.

For me, it all comes down to self esteem. For reasons I won’t go into here, I didn’t have a lot of friends at school. I met my husband when I was 21, and he did a lot in helping me improve my self esteem. However, as time goes on, things change, life gets busy, and your focus shifts. People that you think are your friends turn out not to be, and that is heartbreaking – so you eat. Post-natal depression combined with major house renovations – you eat. You are at home with the kids, no adults to talk to – so you eat. Hubby travels for work, you get lonely – so you eat. You make a really good friend – and they move to the other side of the country – you get the picture! You pick yourself up, lose weight – no-one notices – so you think, why do I bother, no-one even notices me, so the cycle starts again. Or worse, people who didn’t speak to you when you were “fat” start to talk to you when you are “thin”, and you think, “well, what was wrong with me before, I am the same person”. I know that you shouldn’t let what other people think govern what you do, but that is a really hard to do, and it has taken a long time for me to come to the acceptance that I don’t need other people’s approval. I now know that if someone can’t accept you the way you are, then maybe they are unhappy in themselves.

One day a woman nearly ran over my daughter and me on a pedestrian crossing at the entrance to a shopping centre car park. I hit the side of her car with my hand. She chased me down in the shops and yelled at me and called me a “fat bitch”. At the time it left me speechless. Never would I have dreamed of using someone’s physical size as an insult. Oh well, at least I would have left a sizable dent in the car if she hit me! I can always lose weight but she will probably always be ignorant!

The doubts are still there lurking in the background – did I miss out on that job because of my size? Do my some people not talk to me much because they’re skinny and I’m? A throwaway comment here and there that I have to try not to let get to me. These self doubts are so destructive and so hard to silence – but I’m getting there. I want to thank everybody who has given me such fabulous feedback on my previous blogs – you have made me feel 10 feet tall, and given me encouragement to go on! When I am feeling down, I sometimes re-read those blogs and comments. The power of words is amazing.

I thank you all for being with me on this life changing journey.

PS: Out of the mouths of babes – last year, during “The Biggest Loser” one of the students (who I must say, knows no boundaries), said to me “Melissa, maybe you should try out for “The Biggest Loser”, you could do with losing a few kilos”. What could I say? (I didn’t think I was THAT big!)"

29 September 2010

I don't need The Bigges Loser anymore!

Simple Pleasures and a Lesson Learnt

Simple Pleasures and a Lesson Learnt

As some of you know, I work with teenagers with special needs. I am constantly delighted by their ability to take pleasure in the simple things in life. Today, while I was teaching a class swimming, one student was sitting at the side of the pool. She wasn’t swimming, but watching her class mates.

As the class left the pool, she became more animated, pointing to the water.

“Reflection” she kept saying.

“Reflection, reflection. Reflection of the trees.”

This student loves reflections. Reflections in windows, reflections in cars, reflections in boats, reflections in spectacles. She loves to see her reflection in anything but a mirror. She gains huge pleasure from seeing these reflections, and not just her reflection, but if she see a picture which has a reflection in it, she loves that too.

So, as I had my camera with me at the time, I took a photo of the reflection in the water of the trees outside the pool area, showed it to her for approval and promised it to her for next term.

In some respects, I don’t blame her for loving reflections. I have to admit, I do enjoy photographing them and looking at them myself. When you think about it, reflections also convey a sense of calm – you don’t get a reflection in rough water, only smooth, calm water. You don’t get a reflection in a rough surface, only smooth surfaces like glass. To sit and look at a reflection in water early in the morning before the wind builds is very calming.

Which brings me to the mirror. A smooth, flawless (usually) surface, cool to touch. Bright, revealing all. It can give the illusion of space as it reflects the area around it.

So why are we so afraid of what we see in the mirror? How is it we go through life projecting an air of confidence, telling others we are comfortable with who we are, yet if it came down to it, we would admit we don’t like what we see in the mirror? How many of us avoid looking in the mirror? I admit, there have been times I have avoided the mirror – which is hard when you have full length mirror wardrobe doors!

Enter Alice. Alice meant I could write in the third person, and protect myself from criticism – some habits die hard. So, Alice was born.  Her first story, “Through the Looking Glass”, came about six weeks into the study. It detailed Alice’s defining moment when she realised things weren’t “as they appeared.”

“Through The Looking Glass

Once upon a time there was a little girl called Alice. Okay, so her name wasn’t Alice and she wasn’t little, but why let the facts get in the way of a good story. Every morning Alice would look in the mirror and say “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Now, before you all tell me “that was someone else”, I know, I know, but this is my fairy tale.

So, every morning, Alice would ask mirror this question, and every morning Alice would eagerly await the answer “why of course, it is you young Alice.”

Now, mirror wasn’t the most truthful of mirrors. When Alice looked in the mirror, she thought, “well, I know I’m not the slimmest of princesses out there (did I mention she is a princess?), but I’m not THAT big”, and would go on with her day. She would go off to work, eat and drink what she thought was a pretty good diet, and exercise occasionally.

Then one day, Alice saw something that upset her a lot. A photograph. It was then she realised that mirror was lying to her. She wasn’t “just well proportioned” – she was fat! There was no denying it! Alice just wanted to go and hide away in her tower and never see anyone ever again.

Alice retreated into herself, but went about her daily life as if nothing had happened. The light went out of her eyes, the smile did not appear on her face very often, and she kept to herself as much as possible. She threw herself into looking after her castle.

Now, you have to realise Alice lived in a fairytale land where she was constantly bombarded by the television and magazines with images of slim, beautiful princesses, who seemingly kept their lovely figures with no effort at all. Women who had babies and had their pre-baby bodies back with a wave of their magic wand – those dreaded “yummy mummies”. No matter how much Alice waved her magic wand, and implored her fairy godmother, she just could not lose weight.

Then one day, when Alice was eating dinner, she heard about a magic programme to help people lose weight. It was a trial, to bring people together “virtually”, to support each other, to provide assistance, to provide tools, to help them achieve their goals. Alice by now, was sick of being a fat princess in a thin princess world, so decided to sign up.

As the time came closer to begin, she said goodbye to her old lifestyle. She came to terms with no longer eating all those comforting foods that had become her only friends. Unable to wait any longer, she bought the book, and started a week before the trial started – she was amazed, she lost one kilogram.

Then, amidst much excitement, the trial began. The resources were there – food ideas, recipes, plans – and the much treasured support and understanding. And the realisation that there were so many other princesses out there just like her! She was no longer alone.

As part of Alice’s healing, she joined the gym. Then one day, something magical happened.

One morning as Alice was getting dressed, she caught sight of herself as she was pulling on her top. What’s this? What is this “depression” on my side? My goodness, my body is changing, it is starting to look slimmer, show a bit of definition. So Alice decided to have a good look at herself. Her legs were slimmer, bum a bit smaller – hey, this diet thing really was working.

Alice held herself up tall. The light came back to her eyes. A cheeky smile crept across her face. Then, the words came out – “mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

And the reply – “you are” and this time, she knew mirror meant it.”

10 October 2010

As for my friend at school, I’m not sure why she won’t look at herself in the mirror, but I’m sure we can work on that!

Inspiration and Motivation

"Whatever you can do or dream you can
Begin it
Boldness has genius and magic in it
Begin it now" (Goethe)

What inspires and motivates you? What gets you out of bed in the morning? Do you face each day with the attitude "oh well, let's just get this day out of the way" or do you face each day with enthusiasm, looking forward to what it might bring you?

We are all motivated and inspired by different things. For some it is a desire to be like someone else - an athlete, a leader, a celebrity, a loved relative. For others, they could be inspired simply by watching those who overcome adversity simply to get through the day. One thing I have learnt in this time of self-discovery is that your motivation truely has to come from within. If you rely on others to motivate and inspire you, you can soon lose that motivation.

So many people have said to me "your husband must be so happy with your weight loss". My response is always "I didn't do it for him". This is one thing you really have to do for YOURSELF. You can't do it for anyone or anything else - you have to make yourself number 1. Yes, you can seek inspiration from others, but use them as a guide, not as the ultimate. In the end, you only have yourself to answer to - be true to yourself.

Those around us do have an influence on how we lead our lives - if we choose to let them. We are surrounded by pushers and pullers. The pushers push us to be our best, and the pullers just want to pull us down. Generally, we can't change how people act towards us, however we can change how we REACT to them. We can choose to let it bother us, we can choose to let it fester and create negative energy (never good), we can choose to deal with the situation and try and resolve it, or we can choose to simply ignore it and not let it bother us. I am now finding things that used to send me into a spin simply don't bother me at all, and I really don't want to get involved in others' issues. It seems to be taking a while for some people to get that, however I'm sure they will soon!

Once I made that mental shift, I found my whole weight loss journey change. It all became easier, and I knew that the changes I had made would be for life. I felt at peace, and didn't feel the need to seek comfort in food. It was interesting reading others' blogs during the study, and seeing them come to the same realisation at different times - it was like a light bulb moment! Every time it made me smile - yes, another person gets it! Until you truely get it, you will struggle with your weight.

Someone I admire who has made just this adjustment is Magda Szubanski. She openly talks about dealing with the demons and having therapy as part of her weight loss journey. She is spot on - deal with it, or constantly struggle. They say weight loss is 70% what goes in your mouth and 30% exercise, however I think those figures need to be adjusted to include mental adjustment - maybe 50% mental, 30% diet and 20% exercise. Don't just talk the talk, walk the walk.

So, here endith the lesson!

Okay, So I've Made Friends With The Scales.....

....now I have to move on - to the tape measure. Ignorence is bliss isn't it? I think it was two weeks in I decided to stare down the elephant in the room, and face reality (again) and measure myself! I was reading others' blogs about their shrinking bodies, and thought, mmm, maybe I should be doing something about that. So here goes.....

"Yesterday, it was time to address the elephant in the room.

I was ignoring it, and it wasn't going away.

There it was, coiled in its slim smugness.

Sitting there, quietly waiting.

I had often used it on others, was at times lost without it, but as for using it on myself - no way!

It was time, as they say, to measure up.

Hubby was out, (no one need see this), I was getting ready for work, so.....no more excuses.

The scales, I could handle (we're friends again, we have a date every Friday, and I wave a cheery good morning every day.) The mirror, well, easy to avert my gaze as I walk past. But the tape measure? It begs the question, which of us is really the elephant in the room?

The problem started when my doctor told me he wasn't worried about what I weighed, he was more concerned about my waist measurement. For females, 88cm and below was good. This was a few years ago. I'm below that, I thought at the time, and went home and measured myself.

No....that can't be right....maybe I started at the wrong end - 108cm! When did that happen?

Well, let’s just try not to think about that for the moment, and just get on with life - I'll change when I'm less tired/less busy/hubby home/kids older/got a job/not working as much/can afford to join the gym/weather warmer/weather cooler.......

So, back to Tuesday morning. I had the tape measure (my trusty dressmakers tape), pen, paper - time to face the music. Bust 117.5 cm, waist 104 (well, that's an improvement!), hips 110. Got a little bit of work to do there!

Well, now I've been slapped in the face with the "bare" facts, it's time to get on with the job, and work on reducing those numbers. Jog up those stairs at work, join the gym to use the weights three times a week, I'll be back in the pool teaching swimming at school next term - onward and upward (except, I hope, for those numbers!) I think I know now who the elephant in the room really is!"

15 September 2010

After a few months, unbelievably I actually looked forward to seeing what showed up on the tape measure - especially when my waist got firstly below 100cm, then below that magical 88cm mark. Even better when it got below 80cm.

Next step - join the gym - is there no end to this madness?